Tales of the Parodyverse

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Visionary
Sat Jan 31, 2004 at 03:13:58 pm EST
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When Vizh met Kerry
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“Why me?” Visionary asked, as usual. He was sitting at the counter of the Bean & Donut coffee bar waiting patiently for the stocky, unfriendly new waitress to come back around and refill his mug. “Legal Guardian? I didn’t even know that Sarah had a sister, did I?”

“Beats me. I’m not your personal assistant, you know” Fleabot offered unhelpfully, as usual. He was situated on the counter, manipulating a pen 10 times his size in an effort to complete the Parodiopolis Times crossword puzzle. “Seems to me the last person with that job tried to skewer you with a very large spear, repeatedly. You’re expected to remember things on your own now.”

“Well, I am sure that I didn’t even know that Sarah knew me that well” he stated confidently, then had to mentally review the statement to make sure it had come out right. “I mean, I try to tip generously…”

“Yeah, those dimes really must add up for her.”

“Hey! Crullers don’t cost that much to begin with! And the coffee refills are free!” Visionary argued, but his heart really wasn’t in it. Even tipping at 20% didn’t really seem like much of a reason to be entrusted with guardianship of an innocent little sister. “Why me?” Visionary asked again, staring into his empty coffee cup dejectedly.

“Well, you did lead the Lair Legion, the premiere hero organization on the planet. And you’re currently leading the League of Regulars, which is somewhat less premiere and more of a scam but still noteworthy…” Fleabot pointed out. “That makes you something of a trusted public figure. Look…” he added, pointing his pen to the back wall, “They’ve even got a caricature of you hanging by the door.”

Visionary squinted at the drawing hanging between a sketch of Fin Fang Foom and Mr. T. “Actually, I think that’s supposed to be Robert Downey Jr. I remember overhearing Sarah say that he showed up here one night to throw up in their toilets.”

“Hmm… Impressive.” Fleabot noted. “Maybe he wasn’t available for the guardian job, though.”

“I suppose” Visionary sighed. Perhaps Fleabot was right… Maybe he did have a positive public image. That could account for all of this. After all, he did have the best public relations agent in the Parodyverse, and Sarah Shepherdson *was* a simple mild-mannered waitress with no idea how things really were among superheroes. Maybe she thought he was a competent, responsible, respected hero… the kind of person you would be proud to have mentor and watch over your little sister…

“I was right…” Visionary groaned, slumping his head down on the counter next to his drained coffee cup. “Sarah definitely didn’t know me that well.”

“No use crying about it” the miniscule robot grumbled, filling in a seven letter Yiddish word for ‘mosquito repellant’. “The question is, what are you going to do now?”

The harried Regular shrugged. “What choice do I have?”

“There’s a bus leaving for Saskatchewan in 15 minutes” Fleabot said, looking over the schedule printed opposite the crossword.

Visionary’s head shot up. “Saskatchewhere? That sounds… Very far away…” His eyes took an unfocused look at some beautiful daydream.

“It’s in Canada” Fleabot noted.

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“Still…” Visionary began, then shook his head. “No… no, I suppose not. And really, how much trouble can one teenage girl be? Besides, it wouldn’t really be fair to poor Kerry. I mean, getting stuck with me as a guardian. If she doesn’t have anyone else here in the States, well… she must be very lonely.”

“So…” a young voice with an slight Irish accent asked from behind them. “Who here is the doofus that I’m staying with until my sis gets back?”

Visionary turned to find a dark-haired teenage girl standing in the doorway surrounded by dozens of enthralled, hulking, teenage boys. “Um… Kerry?” he hazarded to guess.

“That must be the right doofus, guys” she observed, jerking her thumb in his direction. One by one the boys shouldered into the coffee bar and deposited a piece of luggage in front of his barstool. “Thanks… you’re all so sweet” she said as she flashed a blinding smile at them. “Oh, yeah… Guys, this is… Vasectomy or something. Vasectomy, this is the starting line-up of the Central Parodiopolis High Trojans. I met them when their equipment shed mysteriously caught fire.”

“Um… that’s Visionary… actually. Visionary.” He chewed his lip thoughtfully. “And you’re Kerry? Kerry Shepherdson? Sister to mild-mannered Sarah Shepherdson?”

“Yep. Oh, hey… I gave the guys here your cel phone number so they could reach me day or night. That’s not going to be a problem, is it? I like to be available… You know, for whatever might… come up.” She winked at the grinning boys as they filed out.

“Um… yeah” Fleabot noted succinctly. “Well, Vizh, you’re probably right. How much trouble could one teenage girl be? I think I’m going to leave you two to get acquainted” The little robot offered as he fled towards the door. “I, um… have a bus to catch.”

Visionary was left sitting alone behind a mound of luggage with a hopeless look on his face.

Kerry looked him up and down. “So do you have a car, or are you totally useless?”



Visionary threw open the front door with a grand gesture. “Welcome to the headquarters of the League of Regulars!” He proclaimed proudly, moving his luggage-bound form to the side to allow his young houseguest to enter.

“So this is… what? The Dork-cave?” Kerry asked, decidedly less than impressed.

“Um… we actually just call it the condo” Visionary admitted. “And it’s not really a cave. It’s just mostly buried because… well… it’s a long story. And there’s a great deal of math involved in the explanation NTU gave me. But the guest bedroom has been totally excavated, and we got that family of badgers that Yo was feeding out from the crawlspace under your bathroom, so you should be comfortable. My wife Cheryl made up your room before she had to leave on her business trip. It’s really surprisingly cozy…”

“Whatever.” The moody teenager wandered over to examine the various photographs hanging on the wall. “What’s with the wall of freaks?”

“Freaks?” Visionary asked, trying to disengage himself from multiple luggage straps before coming to join her. “Actually, these are some of the greatest heroes in the Parodyverse! You’ll likely get to meet many of them in person while you’re staying here…”

“Lucky me”

The Regular ignored her as he started going down the wall. “This is Yo and his/her bunny Rabito… They spend a lot of time here. You’ll have to get used to the purple hairs around the house… and um, in your food, your laundry, your bedsheets… your, um, tubes of toothpaste… I really haven’t figured that last one out yet. I’m not sure I want to know.”

Kerry looked at him with a pure expression of boredom.

“Moving on… This is Donar. He’s a god and Prince of all Ausgard.”

“And he hangs out with you?” she asked, eying the well-muscled Regular’s portrait.

“We have ‘The complete Xena’ on DVD and a big TV” Visionary explained. “Although, it’s… a little broken. But we’ve found most of the pieces, and Enty assures me the warranty wasn’t entirely voided by his modifications… That’s Enty right there. He’s a cyborg inventive genius. His labs are down on sub-sub-sub level Omega-3. With a few assorted bits embedded in the floor of sub sub level Omega-2 You’ll want to stay out of there, though… it’s pretty dangerous. Lots of chemicals, propellants, rocket fuel and other combustibles. And there’s this big thing that looks like a refrigerator, only it’s made of lead and says ‘radioactive’ and ‘extreme danger’ and… Well, like I said, you’ll want to stay out of there.”

“Really? Sub-sub-sub level Omega-3, you said?” Kerry asked innocently. “I’ll be sure to keep far away. Do you need a key or anything to get in?”

“Don’t worry about it… I’ve let Zebulon know you’re here, and he’ll make sure you don’t accidentally get into trouble.” Visionary pointed her to the next picture, which was little more than eyebrows and a big, pointed, striped hat peeking over the bottom of the frame. “He’s our elfin handyman. He’s in charge of the security systems.”

“I’d love to meet him” Kerry cooed.

Visionary beamed, glad he was finally connecting with his young houseguest. “Most everyone cleared out for the afternoon to let you get settled in peace… But we were thinking of having a welcoming party tonight at the bowling alley…”

“Oh” Kerry said, losing interest again.

“Um… It was just an idea… Anyway, this is Lisa” Visionary hastened to move on. “She’s evi… Um, that is… she’s a lawyer. This is her clone, Asil…” the Regular smiled fondly at the picture. “She’s in England right now with Sir Mumphrey, but I’ll have to introduce you two sometime… I’m sure you’d get along great…”

“Yikes… Is she wearing a green potato sack?”

Visionary frowned worriedly. “That’s actually the dress I got her for her birthday. Is it… I mean, she seemed to like it…”

“Yeah, she looks like she would. What’s with the bird?”

“Hmmm?” Visionary asked, bringing his attention back to the wall. “Oh, that’s my friend Quoth. She’s a Raven of Destiny. It’s really quite an important job. She helps Chronicler and Shaper to keep reality… um… twirling, I suppose.”

“Uh-huh. Sure she does… ‘Cause that’s just the kind of thing you want to train a bird to do.”

Visionary blinked, trying to grasp at her point, but it was completely lost on him. “Right. Anyway, that little speck there is Fleabot. You met him briefly at the coffee bar. He was originally designed to be a weapon to wipe out the League way back when, but he mostly just hung around and played chess. Actually, our good friend Hallie started out much the same way, but she’s a computer, rather than… you know… a robotic flea.”

“So… your closest friends consist of a hermaphroditic Zorro, a lawyer, a cyborg, a clone, an elf, a bunny, a bird, a flea and a computer. And some god of bad television.”

Visionary reviewed the mental tally. “Well, yes… for starters, anyway.” he said proudly.

Kerry set her jaw. “I am so going to kill my sister when she gets back.”

“Um… yeah… about that…” he began delicately. “Do you happen to have any idea…?”

The young woman turned her back and crossed her arms. “Don’t know, don’t care.” She proclaimed stubbornly.

Visionary studied her sadly, but elected not to mention the catch in her voice. “Well, you’re certainly welcome here for as long as it takes. After all, we have plenty of space... Why don’t we get you settled in, and then I’ll take you out to lunch? Hey! We can even spin by City Hall and meet another friend of mine! I bet you’d like him, he’s closer to your age. His name’s…” His cel phone rang suddenly, distracting him. “Uh… why don’t you look around and make yourself comfortable while I get this.”

The Regular left Kerry to explore on her own and picked up the phone. “Hello? Oh, hey Lisa. What? No, no problems. I… What? No! No, I did not think of skipping town! No, I don’t know why Fleabot called you from the Canadian border. Hmmm? Well, serves him right. Can’t he just mail himself back? The postage can’t amount to… What? Well, I was just introducing her to… No, not yet. Not yet. Look, we just walked in the door. What rules? You mean about not touching the VCR when it’s recording Donar’s shows? Or about the “NTU-modified” warning labels on the appliances? Seriously, Lisa, don’t worry... I’m sure she won’t be…”

“Hey” Kerry said suddenly, reappearing to tug on his sleeve. “There was this big red ringing phone attached to some kind of satellite array thingie in the other room…” she informed him. “It’s for you… Something about an emergency at the civic center... I told them you’d be right over. And hey…Could you pick up some Pepsi on your way back?”

“…any trouble at all” Visionary finished miserably.
















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